Ghosts of Christmas Past

When I discovered I was expecting a baby, my immediate reaction prior to surprise (I was on birth control pills) was pure excitement.
I couldn’t wait to celebrate all those milestones and firsts with my child.
In fact I’d frequently daydream whilst pregnant about all the magical Christmas days we’d have.

Then I had DS and the reality was quite different.

Christmas 2009

DS was 6 months old for his 1st Christmas day. I tried so so hard to make it special for him and for me. I did the tree, took him to see Santa, spent too much on toys he wouldn’t appreciate for months.
Unfortunately I was at that point, in the grip of debilitating post natal depression. I was a sad, paranoid, stressed out and anxious mess. Every comment made by my in laws was backhanded and bitchy (this may have or have not been paranoia), and the whole day was spent fighting back tears of despair.

Thankfully I sought help in the new year and managed to beat PND with the help of a sympathetic doctor and some Prozac.

After I’d beaten the worst of my PND I became broody.
This was around the time of DS’s 1st Birthday which I believe is a fairly common broodiness trigger for lots of women.
I talked about it in depth with my OH and we agreed we’d start trying in the July/August of 2010.

When I got my BFP in the November I was thrilled. I was so looking forward to the festive period, really desperate to make up for the shitty one the previous year.

As December rolled around and the snow fell I felt so happy playing outside and building snowmen with now 18 month old DS.

Until the accident.

Whilst microwaving some pumpkin soup (craving) I ended up dropping the pot and very badly scalding my arm, hand and chest. I was in the worst pain I have ever been in and I went into shock.
I took no pain relief as I was 7 weeks pregnant and was terrified it’d hurt my baby.

Christmas 2010

By the time Christmas Eve arrived my burns were less painful and I was almost 11 weeks pregnant and was beginning to get excited.
After doing lots of housework in preparation for the big day I noticed some brown spotting after using the bathroom. It freaked me out a bit but I’d had something similar in my last pregnancy so wasn’t too worried.

Christmas morning was special. Watching my son so excitedly opening presents was amazing and to top things off my heavily pregnant sister in law was in the beginnings of labour.

During dinner I felt a bit funny, I went to the bathroom and discovered I’d been bleeding. Of course I freaked out. I called the Early Pregnancy Unit (EPU) at my hospital but being Christmas they were shut.
I phoned NHS Direct who got me an appointment with an emergency GP.

So Christmas afternoon myself and OH spent waiting to see a doctor who told me to go to Accident & Emergency to try and get a scan.

We spent all evening in A&E. I was examined by an OB/GYN who diagnosed a “threatened miscarriage”. I was told they had no one available to scan me.

Well the following 3 days were the worst of my life. I was back at hospital on Boxing Day. Then admitted with contractions the day after.
I was finally scanned on the 28th and my uterus was empty. I’d lost my baby.

So now we are fast approaching Christmas 2011.

Although things appear to be getting back to normal with my fertility (I think/hope) I am very fearful about falling pregnant before Christmas.
The idea of potentially having another hideous Christmas makes me cry. I just want to have a happy day with my family.
Memories from last Christmas alone are going to be painful enough.

This fear has just hit me and has me very anxious.

I’m not sleeping and am considering not TTC till January even though my uterus is aching to carry a small life again.

The ghosts of Christmas’ Past are haunting me. I wish I had a ghost of Christmas Future to reassure me everything will be ok.